Scrambled Eggs: An Infertility Scrapbook

• Raw milk
• My husband
• Farmers markets
• Making pickles
• Kate Beaton
• Oxycodone

Hospital procedure did not go well. The filter apparently has grown into the wall of my inferior vena cava and is stuck. They will probably make one more attempt in a month or so but if they can’t get it out, I am just going to have to take blood thinners for the rest of my life. 

My neck hurts and I am taking leftover oxycodone from my hospital stay to try and make it not hurt. 

Doing my best to focus on the things I love and that make me happy. 

On day 6 of my first real visit from AF since I was discharged from the hospital in May. 

I’ve been having flashbacks and panic attacks and everything terrifies me. A little flutter in my chest or a strange ache or pain or a weird muscle cramp and I convince myself that I am once again bleeding to death and must get to the hospital in time before I die. 

Then I have to lie very still and count backwards to remind myself that this is PTSD and not reality. That I am not hemorrhaging anymore. That we know what to do this time. That we won’t repeat the unintentional risks of last time. That I won’t ever stumble into the ER just hours away from cardiac arrest from my period again, because husband will not let that happen to me and I will not let it happen to myself. 

Going in to the hospital tomorrow to have my IVC filter removed. Venous catheterization is one of the most terrifying things I have ever experienced. Worse than the ER when I was bleeding to death. Worse than the surgery I barely woke up from. Worse than the delirious agony of post-surgical pain so bad that I thought the doctor was raping me and begged for him to stop. 

Being wheeled into the basement of an old hospital, strapped down to a table, and forced to lie still and breathe calmly and slowly while people put needles in my neck and tubes in my veins beats them all. 

Tomorrow is coming too quickly.

I’m still alive. Just tired. 

Still not pregnant. But it seems like everyone else I know on the Internet is these days. 

I’ve spent the last few days doing a lot of reading over at FreeRangeKids, a blog of which I wholeheartedly approve.

One theme which has cropped up again and again on that blog are rules and laws that discriminate against the childless. No kids? Don’t you dare hang out at a park with a playground. Child-free? Sorry, LEGOland isn’t for you (nevermind the fact that my 28-year-old husband is a LEGO fanatic).

In fact, in Maine you can get arrested for looking too hard at a child! I challenge anyone with infertility problems to tell me they haven’t caught themselves staring wistfully at someone’s baby across a crowded supermarket. I do it all the time.

I’m not plotting a kidnapping, but it is true that I am fantasizing about that baby. Or rather, I’m using that baby to inspire fantasies of my own babies. Of the day when I might be able to wander the supermarket with an infant in a sling. Of the first time I will watch my husband (who I love so much that it hurts) hoist a son or daughter of our own over a too-large crack in the sidewalk. 

I don’t go to the park to look at children. More often than not, I’d prefer to avoid them. But I still like going to the park sometimes. I still think LEGO is cool. I still want to wave to the little girl who lives across the street from us, who is so afraid of strangers that she will run and hide in the bushes if we come outside—in spite of two years of exchanging cheerful waves with her parents, handing out candy at Halloween, and being nothing but friendly and respectful.

I’m not saying you should be irresponsible, but overprotective parenting doesn’t just damage children—it damages everybody around you. Our natural instinct as mammals is to protect the young of the species, and for those of us who can’t get young of our own, it brings a little balm to our hurting hearts when a cute little boy smiles at us without fear, or a stranger lets us compliment her baby without assuming we’re perverts or kidnappers just because in spite of years of trying, we haven’t been able to produce one of our own.

1. Name of the future mommy to be?: B.
2. Name of the future daddy to be?:  D.
3. How long has the future parents been together/married?: Married 2 years
4. When did you start trying to conceive?: September 2009
5. What is the hardest part of T.T.C?:  The constant cycle of getting your hopes up and dreaming your sweetest, most precious dreams—only to have them be crushed. Again and again.
6. What does the future mommy want to have?: A boy. I’m scared of girls.
7. What does the future daddy want to have?: Also a boy. At least to start with.
8. Is there a certain month or season you’d like to have the baby in?:  Well, beggars can’t be choosers. I’d take a baby in any season. But I’d prefer not to be very pregnant during July and August. I hear that’s miserable.
9. What are you looking forward to most when you finally conceive?  Telling my husband. Finding out what it feels like when a baby kicks. Hearing a heartbeat. Seeing an ultrasound. Making baby clothes to keep instead of to give away or sell.
10. What has been the best thing about the T.T.C. process? The way it has deepened the emotional bonds between me and my husband and taught us how to be vulnerable and lean on each other.
11. Pick out any names yet, for when the big day comes? We have a boy name picked out, including middle names. But it’s secret to us and our close friends.
12. Any certain reason for choosing those names?: They relate to our feelings about infertility, religion, family, and heritage.
13. Do you know what T.T.C. stands for?: Would I be filling this out if I didn’t?
14. What things do you do to check for when you’re fertile?: CM, CP, BBT. Not that it happens.
15. Do you use Ovulation Tests?: Those strike me as a waste of money given that my insurance covers blood tests that tell me I’m not ovulating.
16. What does the future daddy do to help you with T.T.C. process: He listens to me, puts up with my manias for trying herbs and new diets and reading every book under the sun, lets me cry on his shoulder… oh, and great sex.
17. How long do you plan on continuing the T.T.C process?: Until I get a BFP(<~~~~very yes)
18. Will you consider In-Vitro or any other type of Infertility medicine? If we could ever possibly save the money up to pay for it… yes.
19. Have you had your pre-conceiving physical?: I never had something called that. I have had plenty of tests and exams and such though.
20.How many children would you like to have?: In a perfect world? Five
21.Have you started buying some baby stuff?:  I’m not allowed. It’s fine for some people but for me that would cause nothing but sadness and moping.
22.Any books that you’ve read that have been helpful?:  Taking Charge of Your Fertility and What to Do When You Can’t Get Pregnant are favorites.
23. Are your family and friends supportive of deciding to T.T.C.?: Mostly. One or two have said they don’t see why we’re in a rush. Not all of them understand why infertility is so painful. But yes.
24. Have you made any BIG changes in your life to help you conceive? We have both cut processed foods from our diet almost completely, and are working to eliminate all soy products and strictly reduce corn. When I’m ambulatory again I will be going back to a regular exercise regimen.
25.Have you abstained from alcohol and drugs? Not really. I barely drink as it is.
26.So if you unfortunately do not conceive, then what?  We haven’t decided yet.
27.Are you healthy enough to be pregnant? At the moment I’m on hold for medical reasons, but according to my doctor once I’m done taking the baby-killing meds I’m on right now we have no reason not to TTC again

28.Do you really think you‘re ready to be a parent?  As ready as you can be, and more ready than many
29.Any advice for other woman out there T.T.C.?: Learn to understand your body, get rid of chemicals in your diet and environment, and keep asking questions until you’re really really satisfied with the answers you have. Don’t be so in awe of your doctor that you settle for the first thing he or she tells you.

Dear Futurebaby,

I promise to love you no matter what House you get sorted into.

Even if it’s Hufflepuff.

Love,

me

Traveled cross-country with husband to go home for my little brother’s wedding. Good times.

Have done lots of hanging out with brothers and their wives and my husband. Good times.

Got yelled at by my mom because I refused to look at a slideshow of first-week baby pictures from my cousin’s new baby. WTF. Got a lecture about how unhealthy that is and how I need to deal with it.

Said I thought it was more healthy to recognize that it would upset me and avoid doing it so I didn’t get sad and unhappy. Reply was basically that I shouldn’t get upset in the first place.

Reverted to 14-year-old self, yelled at my mom, told her she didn’t understand me and didn’t know what she was talking about, slammed the door, and locked myself in my bedroom. Then my husband and I secretly made out and he put his hand up my shirt and I totally freaked out because my parents might hear us.

It’s official. Being home turns me into a high schooler.

(Source: simplysillymettc)